you would pick up someone in the library
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
