I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
