Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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