FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We need a shit load of segways right now
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
