This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
