i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
