My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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