At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
