I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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