This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
