i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
