Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
