Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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