billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
