maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
