Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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