i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
