I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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