bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
