i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
