If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
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