I'm eating all of the evidence.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
