My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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