The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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