Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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