your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
