Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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