Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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