I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
