Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
