it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
