the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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