Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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