There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
