i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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