since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
