ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
