Umm I'm too high to move.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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