that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
