May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
