I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
