The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
