i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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