Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
