In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
