I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
