you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
