well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
