Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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