I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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