So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
