Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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